


My Cross To Bear

by bigredcrazyk



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depressing, Derek Feels, Ficlet, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-07-02
Packaged: 2018-01-21 18:43:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1560302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigredcrazyk/pseuds/bigredcrazyk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek crosses paths with Stiles at the grocery, and although they split up two years ago, Derek can't let go.</p><p>*Update* Chapter 2 is the prequel to events of the first. Stiles is upset with the direction of the relationship and decides to end it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My Cross To Bear

I wasn’t expecting to see you at the corner mart that day. When you got in line behind me and realized who I was, I forced a smile and nodded warmly, but my gut told me to run as fast as my feet could carry me; I wanted to hide my shame for still caring as much as I do. You were beautiful beyond words; every bit as attractive as I remembered. Those big, honey eyes and your soft lips and that cute, little mole on your left cheek…

You inquired how I was and I lied so easily. “I’m well,” I said confidently and asked you the same in return. I wondered if you could see how depressed I truly was.

You replied, “I’m doing great. I don’t think I could be happier.” I felt the statement like a knife in the chest. I understood you meant you’re dating someone else and in love with them like I still love you.

I wanted to weep, to scream, but instead I responded in kind, “That’s good to hear. I’m glad you found what you were looking for.”

You smiled sadly at me, as if seeing through my charade. It’d been nearly two years since the split; since the day you said you didn’t love me anymore and packed your things. You couldn’t have known that I still re-read your text messages or often fell asleep thumbing through old photos of us. You couldn’t possibly understand that even though two years had passed, my soul ached like it was yesterday. How could you have known that my heart was still in pieces, shattered and broken, or that the reason I remained in this town was because of you; because I couldn’t move on? What’s two years compared to the lifetime I wanted to share with you?

The air grew stale as I paid for my items and turned to depart, desperately trying to hold it together. Your voice, however, stopped me in my tracks. “Derek… take care of yourself.” I felt it in your tone; concern and pity.

I diverted my gaze, hoping you wouldn’t see the sorrow and defeat in my eyes. I nodded once more and offered, “You too, Stiles,” before going on my way.

The pain was too much; wound too deep, to go so long without your touch, but I was a coward. I couldn’t bring myself to end the personal hell; to take it all away. So instead I carried on and died a little more each day. You’re the only person I wanted and craved, and this was my punishment for not keeping your happiness well-guarded. This was my cross to bear: You’ll have my love forever, and I’ll never have yours again.

 


	2. My Guilt To Live With

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles' point of view on the breakup.

I knew it would hurt you, but I couldn’t take it anymore. There was no direction. We were stuck in a perpetual loop; sex the only thing keeping us together. As sated as my physical desires, my emotional needs were not being met and hadn’t been for a while.

You acted surprised when I told you. “Derek… I’m not happy,” I whispered in bed that night as you kissed my collar and neck.

You stared down at me in silence for some time before finally asking, “Is there anything I can do to fix it or are you done?” Your tone was not at all confrontational. Surprisingly, you sounded concerned if not a little scared of my reply. My guess is that you knew the answer to that question already.

I began weeping and sobbed back, “I don’t think it can be fixed.” Tears quietly streamed down my cheeks. You frowned and wiped them away in an attempt to soothe me. It didn’t help.

“I’m just tired of this,” I pressed on. “I want more than you can give me… I’m…” the knockout punch, “I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore.”

You immediately tensed, sat upright, and gazed off as if trying not to show how upset you were by my saying that. I knew it broke your heart, but I couldn’t keep lying.

You fumbled over your words after that. “Stiles… I… You’re…” I could see that you were trying to reason within your mind. And then the moment you gave up; your head hung low as you exhaled deeply. I felt it in my bones; that raw, agonizing sigh.

“You can have whatever you want… Take as long as you need to move out,” you whispered brokenly as you reached for your pillow.

I grabbed your wrist. I remember bawling by that point. I was as upset as you were, probably more so. “Please, stay with me tonight,” I begged. “Just lay with me and hold me.”

You shook your head and twisted your arm away from me. Your words were both gentle and deflated. “I’m gonna sleep on the couch until you’re moved.”

As you got up and stepped away, I cried after you, “I’m sorry, Derek! Please, don’t hate me.”

You paused and glanced back. “I could never hate you,” you stated. The tone in your voice was of someone utterly shattered. It made me feel terrible. What had I done?

I didn’t sleep a wink that night. I’m sure you didn’t either listening to me sob in the darkness. I wish you’d have comforted me, but I understand why you didn’t. The person you loved just told you they didn’t love you back. Maybe if you’d have comforted me, made me promises, and had been tender with me, just maybe I’d have stayed; taken it all back, but I think we both knew it was too late for that.

It only took me the following day to move. I couldn’t bare to prolong it. You left the loft early that morning and didn’t return until late. I imagine you couldn’t stomach to see me pack and I don't blame you, but once I'd finished I waited for you to give you back your key. I should have just left it with a note, but I felt that was too impersonal considering all we’d been through. The argument that followed was ugly; more than it should have been and I wish I could take back the things I said. That was the first time I’d ever seen you truly cry. I’m so sorry for that. I hope you’ll forgive me someday, but I guess that's my guilt to live with.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to start out by saying that this little story is deeply personal. It's based on true events from my past, and I thought the Sterek relationship would be the perfect backdrop to share this tale.
> 
> That relationship in my life has ended and I don't wish him back in the slightest, but there is some remorse in the situation that still haunts me even after four years. So I'm going to write a few more ficlets and include them here. Basically it will go back and forth between the two perspectives of Derek and Stiles. 
> 
> I've yet to decide if I want this story to end happily or not. As far as the truth goes, it is dead and buried never to be resurrected. But because I don't like to see Sterek in pain, I will probably stray from the truth. Maybe. :P Guess you'll just have to read along to find out.


End file.
